Peace of Mind Organizing

Do unto others

4 March 2009

We all know the Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you). Probably most of us try to live by it. I know I do.

But this past week I experienced, as I have in the past, how the Golden Rule can backfire.

My husband, Barry, caught a stomach bug and was laid flat in bed for three days last week. He started feeling better on Saturday. On Sunday morning, he was fine. I felt great while he was sick, but at 1 a.m. on Sunday morning, I woke up with the bug. I, too, was sick for about three days (though my brain is still catching up and I’m on day four).

Here’s where the part about the Golden Rule comes in.

Barry and I have been together for 22 years and while I know full well that he likes to be left alone when he’s sick, I’m someone who wants to be doted on when I’m ill. That poses a bit of a problem.

While he was lying in bed looking miserable, I was hovering. Checking on how he was feeling. Asking if I could get him anything. Trying to remember that he just wanted to be left alone, but finding that really difficult.

Then it was my turn. I was lying in bed, equally miserable, just as he was enjoying feeling healthy again. He knows I like to be catered to. He knows I like to talk, in gory detail, about my symptoms. But, thanks to the Golden Rule, his inclination was to wait for me to ask for something if I needed it. Otherwise, he’d leave me alone and let me sleep.

This is not good. You’d think after 22 years we could figure it out. We sort of did this time. Once I was feeling a little better, we talked and joked about our different approaches to illness. I adjusted my expectations, knowing he was trying his best. I asked for what I wanted, rather than waiting for him to ask if I needed anything. And, for his part, he did every single I asked of him. He tolerated my hovering without complaint.

Maybe next time we’re sick—which I’m hoping won’t be for a good, long time—we’ll remember this experience and meet in the middle. If past history is any indication, however, we probably won’t. That’s how strong that Golden Rule is.

Tagged with: golden rule, illness, marriage, self-care

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